How to Keep Our Opinion But Stop the Judgments
.. People have been clashing over opposing viewpoints since Donald Trump was elected, COVID-19 spread throughout the world and a black man was murdered for all the world to see. So I thought now would be a good time to examine how to keep our opinions but stop the judgments that cause us to fight and divide. There is a growing realization of how important acceptance is in our global society — of all people no matter what color, nation or creed. And age doesn’t matter.
So, what’s the difference between judgment and our opinion?
Susan Shehata from Elephant Journal inspired this post. In “How to Keep Our Opinion & Drop the Judgments,” she says:
“A thought, opinion or preference is rooted in you, your perceptions and your relationship to yourself and the world around you.
“Something becomes a judgment when you take those thoughts, opinions and preferences and assign an inherent value to it.”
For example, my grandson is a picky eater (that’s my opinion.) He frequently says, “No! I don’t want that; it’s yucky!” when presented with a new food. He never tasted it. But he has made a judgment that all foods that are not his favorites must be yucky.
He misses out on a new food that he may love whenever he does that. For instance, he said that about macaroni and cheese. But when I made him take a taste, he fell in love with it. Now it’s on the top of his list of favorites!
In regards to this kind of situation, Shehata says:
“It doesn’t take a historian to explain how this type of thinking and behavior, assigning inherent value when personal preference would have sufficed, has been the source of many global conflicts.”
A worse consequence can come of someone having a bad opinion of black men because they saw one black man in the news robbing a store. Then they form a judgment against all black men, thinking that they are all robbers. In the end, fear wins over love and a judgment is made or prejudice formed. And then that has consequences for black men in general who become suspect for things they never did.
Some of those consequences have been: innocent black men being put into prison; innocent black men being murdered by police; or vigilante citizens who used the Stand Your Ground law to assert their own innocence. Further consequences have been that black people feel attacked and hated by white people in general. They may feel the need to defend not only themselves but the honor of generations to come.
Can judgment ever be a good thing?
Once you decide to stop the judging, no matter what side of an argument you are on, you may be tempted to ask “do I have to lie down and be a rug?”
Sometimes a judgment is required, such as when you vote or you are on a jury or you have to decide if a friendship is still worth keeping. Although it’s good to see the world with fairness and kindness, when there is abuse it must be addressed. That’s when it’s time to speak out and take action.
Why is it important to have respect for self and others?
Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP) teaches communications tools that can be used for any type of relationship, not just parenting. The main goal is respect — for self and for others. Speaking your truth (in STEP that is what you feel) and active listening are two of the key tools. These things help to stop the judgments while speaking your opinion with kindness.
That kindness is deserved by your true self as well as by those in the world around us. It begins with forgiving ourselves for whatever habits or qualities are perceived as bad or negative in the world we live in. Once we feel that clear sense of relief, it is so much easier to forgive our judgments against others.
Shehata agrees when she says:
“Once we release self-judgment, one little piece at a time, we are more equipped to address who we actually are and how it affects us. And then a wondrous thing happens: we shift the qualities that we perceive as limiting and accept other qualities as gifts. No longer trapped within a cloud of shame and guilt and judgment, we are able to take the quality as it is—neutral—and shift it when appropriate.
And when we stop judging our self, we feel less of a need to judge others. We become more accepting of our personal preferences and we begin to see others’ choices as also just that—their preferences.“
How to keep our opinion but stop the judgment:
Aside from our opinions and preferences, we can still see injustice for what it is and fight for what we believe is right. It looks to me like that’s what we’ve been doing in the year of 2020: voicing our opinion while standing up for universal human self-respect.
Have you had moments during this volatile year of 2020 when you decided to keep your opinion but stop the judgments against others? How did you do that? Have made judgments against injustices and spoken out or taken action? On the other hand, do you believe that judgments are so integral to our lives that they should never be dropped? There is a lot of food for thought here. Please share your stories and opinions by leaving a reply below!
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Angie
I agree wholeheartedly with Allison, what a timely post, indeed! This is such a divided time, and these polarizing times seem to make so many people less able to maintain their opinions without judging other people who differ in their world views.
That’s what us humans find so hard: not judging others. Our world is created by our perception so everything is colored by our beliefs and, as a result, our judgments. We really have to work hard to maintain a detached point of view. I think maybe regular meditation can help with that.
Oh, what a still timely post 4 years later! While I would try to be flexible and see the inherent good in others, 2024 may be even more of a challenge than 2020 was. By and large, I surround myself primarily with like-thinking friends, and it is rare when we disagree. With some folks in my larger family, that is not so, so we stick to topics for which we are in accord.
I used to have the philosophy that everyone has a good side so I focused on that. At some point, I saw so much mean-spiritedness that I preferred to just stick with my tribe. Can’t do that with my family, though, so that’s more of a tricky territory to maneuver. I’m practicing gentle/loving assertiveness. It’s a long road!